Death is a natural occurrence of life. Despite our many encounters with death, the process doesn’t get any easier. Furthermore, it can be incredibly difficult supporting a loved one in grief. Talking about death is hard and it can feel awkward trying to comfort someone in grief with cliché death phrases. Here are 5 things to say when someone is grieving and 5 phrases to avoid.
Let’s Start with the Don’ts – 5 Phrases to Avoid
1. At Least…”They aren’t in pain…Lived a full life, etc.”
Death is uncomfortable and it is natural for people to shift to a more comfortable perspective by attempting to identify the “positives.” However, don’t fall into the “FIX IT” trap. Death is sad and it hurts. Saying “at least” takes away from the reality of the passing and can be dismissive of the person’s pain. It’s fine if the person with the loss uses that phrase, but as support it’s a phrase to avoid.
Sit with them through the pain and use their language.
2. “You’re Strong…”
This statement is dismissive of the grief experience. Though unintentional, the phrase sends the message that any expression of their grief is an indication of weakness.
“It’s okay to let it out, I’m here for you.”
3. “Everything happens for a reason…”
This another well-intended, but misguided statement. We try to gain control over a situation by trying to make sense of it. Unfortunately, there are matters of life that extend beyond our understanding. Attempts to reason with the situation only distract from the emotional pain.
Honorable Mention: “It’s God’s Plan”
“I wish I had the answers but I don’t. But I do know that I will be by your side through this.”
4. “I know how you feel…”
Remember you are there to support, not to be comforted. When we try to share our grief experiences (unsolicited) we take attention away from the person. Grief is a unique process for each experience of loss. You may have experienced a similar loss and can relate, but avoid this phrase, you don’t know how they feel.
Be present and listen to them express their feelings.
5. “They would want you to…”
Remember who you are supporting. It is about what the grieving person wants. It is their grief journey and only they can decide what is looks like. Also, grief is a common way to hold on to the deceased. If you dismiss the process, you could be indirectly disregarding their feelings.
Be present and supportive of their grief process.
It’s Time for the Do’s! 5 Things to Say when Someone is Grieving
Say Something!!
It is very common to have reservations about saying the wrong thing, we all have good intentions. But silence is not the answer. Silence can make our loved ones feel even more isolated in their time of grief.
1. “[The person] will be missed.”
It’s okay to share your feelings about the deceased person.
2. “I remember when…”
We live forever through the people we impacted. Share your fond memories of the person who passed away. Short stories can bring a smile to the person’s face. It’s also a touching way to honor their memory by showing their family how much they were loved by others.
3. Say their name…
Refrain from using terms such as “loved one” or “the deceased”, etc. Usage of those terms erases the person.
4. “Let me take this off your mind”
Grief in its infancy can derail daily functioning. It can be very helpful and demonstrate your support by assigning yourself to their practical tasks. This can include bringing dinner, hiring a cleaning service or cleaning the home yourself, or take the kids and the dog to the park for a few hours.
5. “It’s okay to let it out, I’m here and you are safe.”
Sometimes people are afraid to express their grief in its rawest form. Remind them you are there to help them put the pieces back together.
Honorable Mentions
Time
Most people receive their greatest grief support immediately after the loss and it ends after the funeral. Grief is a process. The person’s grief continues well beyond the funeral activities. Try to reserve time to connect with them afterwards, especially in the evening or during the holidays.
Unique
Every loss is different than the last. Be supportive of THEIR WAY and THEIR TIMELINE of grief. Gently express your concerns, if applicable.
