How To Cope with Grief

How To Cope With Grief

In part I of the Grief series, I focused on understanding grief by identifying truths and myths surrounding grief. For Part II I will focus on the experience of grief and how to cope with the emotional and mental rollercoaster of grief in a healthy manner.

What does it mean to cope? What are coping skills?

Coping is how we manage or deal with stressful experiences in our lives. Coping skills are the behavioral, emotional, and/or thought processes we engage in to provide relief from stress. These skills can literally be anything (e.g. reading, cooking a new recipe, spending time with a friend, drug use, sex); however, not all coping skills are healthy (e.g. drug use, excessive drinking, reckless behavior, lashing out at someone, hurting yourself) due to their long-term negative consequences.

Standard for Coping Skills

When you are choosing your coping skills, consider two standards

1. Is this something I enjoy or am interested in?
2. Will this task negatively impact my current stress load long-term?

Remember, there is no right or wrong or strange or normal way to cope with grief. It is an individual experience that is specific to each type of loss you experience.

8 Healthy Ways to Cope with Grief

1 : Give yourself time to FEEL

Shortly after I learned of my colleague’s passing, I was scheduled to participate in a video call to meet my new work team. I wanted to cancel but ultimately decided to join the call. In hindsight, I should have cancelled. I struggled to actively engage and found myself frequently distracted with thoughts of grief and disbelief. I contemplated being transparent with my new team, but declined because I did not want to “sour the moment.” (Don’t be like me LOL)

Give yourself time to feel, however you feel emotion. It’s a natural response to want to pour into your work as a distraction to avoid emotional pain. But remember, ignoring the pain, does not make it disappear. In fact, the emotional pain from grief will continue to grow and fester (as you ignore it) until you have no choice but to face it. Typically that will be when your grief is standing in front of you, after it has destroyed everything around you.

2 : BE (quiet or loud or happy or sad or confused, etc.)

Grief describes the thoughts and feelings we have in response to a significant loss. Mourning is the expression of those internal thoughts and feelings for the loss. 

As mentioned, the grief journey is different for each person, each time loss is experienced. However, there are some common themes. In the beginning grief feels like an emotional rollercoaster with highs and lows, twists and turns, and random starts and stops. At times you may feel like you are going backwards through the Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) or even stuck in a feeling of denial. Allow yourself to be present in your grief and it will pass slowly but surely beginning with happiness and peace for a few moments, to a few hours, and eventually several days/weeks/months. Grief is a life dance of two steps forward and one step back.

3 : Engage in ritual

I debated on whether I should attend the funeral (virtually) but I am glad that I did. Unexpectedly, the funeral gave me the closure I needed. I learned so much about him including his love of Christ. I realized, though his passing was sad, he was happy because he achieved his ultimate life goal. It gave me peace, to know he was at peace.

Funerals are one common ritual. Other common rituals include (but are not limited to) life celebrations, conversations with the deceased person, prayers for the deceased,  participating in activities once experienced with the person (e.g. dancing, singing, video games), offering meals or drinks for the deceased, and obtaining artifacts of remembrance (e.g. tattoos, vigils).

4 : Honor their memory

I considered him beyond a supervisor, more like a colleague and friend. However, I cannot dismiss his contribution to my professional career. Angel gave me my first job as a newly licensed therapist. He provided a nurturing environment for my development as an independent, confident clinician and was supportive of me in all ways. I will never forget what he did for me professionally.

Beyond our professional relationship he was a light. A pleasant person to be around in every way, always happy and easy going. When I complained about how expensive weddings were, he laughed and responded, “that’s life” and assigned me more cases to offset my financial strain.

If Angel were alive, I don’t think he would accept my attempts of repayment. I am confident he would encourage me to do the same for another rising clinician. Access and opportunity are one of the main barriers for recent mental health graduates; I look forward to being a source through my private practice. A person can be honored it many ways such as good works, it keeps their memory alive and helps you feel close to their spirit.

5: Talk about your loved one

Death is not the end of the relationship. Continue to talk about your loved one and share memories. Express your sadness or other emotions you are experiencing to loved ones or a counselor. Talking about grief is therapeutic and one of the most effective ways to cope.

6 : Take care of yourself and Treat yourself

Grief is an exhausting mental, emotional, and physical process. To the best of your ability, try to maintain a healthy sleep schedule (lay and rest your body if you aren’t sleepy), eat (even if its small meals, every bite helps), and drink water. Taking care of yourself maintains some normalcy (which is comforting) and keeps your mind and body refreshed for the process. It is also a good time to be extra kind to yourself. Watching your favorite movie or eating your favorite snack DOES NOT mean you are not thinking about or stopped loving the person. You are hurting and the best love and care will come from you.  

7 : Remember you can handle it, even on hard days

Your grief will become manageable over time. But there will be days when your grief feels fresh; these typically occur on birthdays, holidays, significant milestones, and anniversaries. Sometimes we lose track of days and they catch us by surprise, but most of the time that does not happen. Instead of dreading a day that will come, plan activities to honor your loved one. Some people have a small ceremony (e.g. balloon release), a small gesture (e.g. birthday cake on the loved one’s birthday) or an activity (e.g. community service).

It’s normal to avoid pain but remember you can handle it. The experience of grief does not disappear because we don’t want it around. We learn how to handle grief by going through it. When we allow ourselves to experience painful emotions we practice and build our resilience.  

8 : Ask for help

As previously mentioned, all coping skills provide short-term relief. However, not all coping skills provide positive long-term benefit (e.g. resilience) and unfortunately become an additional source of stress with your current stressful experiences. These include, but are not limited to, excessive alcohol consumption, illicit substance use, lashing out at loved ones, and reckless behavior (e.g. driving, sexual habits, spending excessive amounts of money). If you find yourself engaging in any of the mentioned behavior or similar behaviors not mentioned, talk to someone you trust and ask for help. Grief is a difficult process that unfortunately doesn’t come with a “how-to” roadmap, so you will experience bumps along the way. Please don’t beat yourself up

What are some positive coping skills you have found to be helpful when you grieved?