6 Myths and Facts About Grief
My Thursday started great with a to-do list that I was excited to tackle. I received a call from one of my coworkers and was prepared for a cheerful chat. I asked her how she was, “not so good” was the response I received. My coworker then uttered the words I will never forget, “I called to tell you that ___ passed this morning.”
Beyond our professional relationship he was a light. A pleasant person to be around in every way, always happy and easy going. When I complained about how expensive weddings were, he laughed and responded, “that’s life” and assigned me more cases to offset my financial strain. Our agency was small and family oriented. I had the pleasure of bonding with his close family members and I cried not only for the loss of his life but for their pain. I could only imagine the pain his family felt, in consideration of the he made the impact on my life within a short frame of time, and I prayed for their comfort.
Over the following days and weeks, those I shared the news with remarked, “Well you’re a therapist, so this should be easy for you. you know what to do” or “he was your boss, don’t take it so hard.”
While the comments were seemingly well-intentioned, they concerned me. Is grief easy (or easier) for me because of my professional training? Do I simply apply the same techniques from my patients to myself? Do I know how to grieve? Should I grieve non-family members differently?
My answer (to every question) was NO and my concern grew to a larger picture.
Grief is a common experience everyone will have the misfortune of within their lifetime. Why do we hold false beliefs?
6 Myths and Facts About Grief
MYTH 1: GRIEF IS DEPRESSION
Grief is mourning and mourning is grief; neither qualifies as depression. While the terms tend to be used interchangeably, there is a difference. Grief is the thoughts and feelings we have in response to the passing of a loved one. Mourning is the expression of those internal thoughts and feelings for the loved one who passed.
MYTH 2: IT IS OK TO BE SAD BUT NOT ANGRY
Grief has many phases that come and go; none are superior to the other. To embrace the natural process of grief you must recognize its many phrases. A common series is the Kubler-Ross Model 5 stages of grief by in which the person experiences denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Please note, the 5 stages are not linear. People can jump or transition to any stage ay any time and it’s common not to experience all of the stages.
Other common experiences of grief include but are not limited to:
- Physical reactions –sleep disturbances, fatigue/exhaustion, headaches, sobbing
- Emotional reactions –hopelessness, numb, loneliness, feeling out of control, anger, sadness, depression, feeling out of control, numbness, calm, relief
- Behavioral reactions – blaming others, avoidance of people or situations,
- Spiritual reactions – loss of faith, asking “why” questions”, searching for meaning in loss
- Cognitive reactions – difficulty making decisions, short-term memory loss, suicidal thoughts
MYTH 3: YOU’LL GET OVER IT
Times heals wounds (to an extent). You will have good days where the intensity of your grief is light and there will also be bad days in which the grief will feel like Day 1. All experiences are normal and natural. Grief is a lifetime experience because you will always love the person who died.
MYTH 4: YOUR GRIEF PROCESS WILL BE SAME, REGARDLESS OF THE LOSS
Just as your love varies for your parents, siblings, cousins, friends, etc.; the grief process will differ. Furthermore, we grieve according to our needs. While our loved ones are equally important, they serve different roles that satisfy different needs.
MYTH 5: IT WILL BE OVER WITHIN A YEAR
As previously mentioned, grief lasts a lifetime. Thus, there is no minimum or maximum in which a person completes the grief process, “Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
MYTH 6: YOU ONLY GRIEVE YOUR FAMILY
Grief is associated with a significant loss. This loss can be associated with many things including, but not limited to, a loved one, a casual acquaintance, a home, celebrity, a job, etc. The focus is the significance the person or thing served relevant to your particular needs and the subsequent gap due to the loss.
Grief is a natural process that cannot be recreated from one person to the next. Furthermore, it is not a process that can be “mastered’ and applied to future losses. The first step to remove the curtain from grief and embrace the process is to recognize the truths and dismantle the myths.
Stay tuned for Part II – Coping with Grief!
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